I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
I'm acorn-y person.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.