What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
One more thyme.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
"It's wine o'clock."
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”