"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
I “lub” you.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.