My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.