Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
We’re a perfect mash.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.