Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
"No body won the skeleton race."
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.