What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Gold riddance.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.