Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.