Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."