What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Snow thank you.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
You have a pizza my heart.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.