What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.