How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.