What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
I like you a latke!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!