A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
"I mead more wine."
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
"Rosé all day."
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.