What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."