Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Up to snow good.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.