Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Cell phones are a static symbol.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
Practice safe text: use commas.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.