What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
My moment in the sun.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.