When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
Wear green, or leaf.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
I couldn't chair less!
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.