Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
I goat this.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.