Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
I only have ice for you!
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io