Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.