Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.