what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
One more thyme.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.