What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.