“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
"Having a good hare day."
You knead me in your loaf.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.