I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!