Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Please excuse my resting beach face.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!