I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
"I need to re-wine my life."
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.