I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
"Sip happens."
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.