Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel