Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.