Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Tis the sea-sun.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
We've reached the point of snow return.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
Your good seed for the day.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
"I mead more wine."