What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
We’re mint to be.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
We make a great pear
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!