Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
He threw three free throws.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
French people give me the crepes.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Icy what you did there.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
"For peep's sake."
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.