What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.