I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.