I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.