After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.