Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.