What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I fence-y you.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.