How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Best in snow.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.