What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
"I've found some bunny to love."
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Irish I had better jokes.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.