The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.