When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Wish upon a starfish.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Car puns are really tiring
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
"I lava you."
Girls just wanna have sun.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.