The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive