Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
I call the shots.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.