What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Distill my beating heart.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.