I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
"Lazy bones."
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Live to tell the tail.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!