What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.