When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.