Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
It’s snow joke.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.