Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
I'm the life of the paddy.
Love at frost sight!
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
"You're the wine that I want."
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!