I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
I like you a latte.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.