Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Readers do it by the book.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.