If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.