I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Wear green, or leaf.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
That’s a bit mulch.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
"It's wine o'clock."