I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Eddie edited it.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
You’ve been working too yard.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.