Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
I cannoli be happy
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Join us for plenty of play action.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
You sleigh me.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?