She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Beach you to it.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
Cell phones are a static symbol.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.