The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
"You make me egg-static."
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case