Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
"I mead more wine."
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.