Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
You're so clover!
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.