My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
He threw three free throws.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.