What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!