Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Time to spruce things up.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
Gold riddance.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!