How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
"I've found some bunny to love."
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
Water you doing on [date]?
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
It's ice to meet you.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.