My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.