I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
You snow the drill.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.