Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Join us for a slice of fun.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
"I make pour decisions."
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.