Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
This vacation has been sand-sational!
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
How rude-olf of you.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”