Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
I’m very frond of you.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.