Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
We’re mint to be.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Shell-abrate the good times!
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!