Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.