Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
I love you and I ain’t lion.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.