Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
If trees could kill you, they wood.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!