The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"