What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."