I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Dublin over in laughter.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.