What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!