What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.