What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.