What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
It was mitten in the stars.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
"Bone to be wild."
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.