What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
I beg your garden?
Mooning is very ASStrological
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.