Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime