Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
It's lit.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.