My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Feeling my shelf.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
I beacha miss summer already!
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.