Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
I love you from my head tomato
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
This is snow laughing matter!