Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Beer-lieve it or not!
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Believe in your elf.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
I have bean thinking about you.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.