I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
I always have a souper time with you.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
He’s an elf-made man.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.