Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
He’s an elf-made man.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
I pitcher us together forever.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!