Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.