A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
You are pitcher perfect.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.