Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Cutest clover in the patch.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
We’re a perfect mash.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.