I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Have you botany plants lately?
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
Beer-lieve it or not!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Wear green, or leaf.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!