What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Let’s make some pour decisions.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.