What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.