What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.