What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.