Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Say it ain’t snow.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.