Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
In on the ground flora.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.