What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
"Eggs-cuse me."
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.