What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
I love you from my head tomato
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
"Love the wine you're with."
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
We’re in a-green-ment.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.