Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
How Rudolf you to say that!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.