My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Best in snow.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
"Say you'll be wine."
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?