TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
You are un-beer-lievable!
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”