What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Metaphors be with you.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds