What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.