Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
That’s a bit mulch.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.