What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Your love will always be up to par.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
You’re right up my alley.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.