Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Icy what you did there!
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
It’s snow joke.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."