Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."