How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Life is brew-tiful!
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
You mermake me happy.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
"Let's have some skele-fun."
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.