What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
You’re unbeleafable.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
I pitcher us together forever.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.