What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
The pint’s the limit.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.