Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."