What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
It’s party thyme.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
"You bake me crazy."
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.