I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
For instant fun, just add water.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Donut even think about taking another donut!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!