What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Feeling fintastic.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.