What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady