How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!