What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
More candles means a bigger wish!
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."