Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Mooning is very ASStrological
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
How Rudolf you to say that!
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.