The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
Icy what you did there.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Best in snow.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.