Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.