I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.