If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Case in punt
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.