What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
One should always practice what they peach.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
In on the ground flora.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.