Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
I feel tail great!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
I’ll never fir-get.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.