I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
I’m rooting for you!
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.