In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
"I lava you."
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.