My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Up to snow good.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.