How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Give me some pigskin
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.