What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
We were mermaid for each other.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
We bee-long together.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
I call the shots.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Live to tell the tail.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.