You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
He’s my pinch charming.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
We’re a perfect mash.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.