Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Only a**holes use bidets.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.