A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?