Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
I’m feelin’ green.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.