Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Dublin over in laughter.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
I’ll always be running-back to you.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.