Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
I think I found my perfect match
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
To get to the other tide.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I fence-y you.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons