Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?