If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
French, French Revolution
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
I like your tight end
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.