My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.