Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!