Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
All punts are highly intended
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.