Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
You make miso happy.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.